Wish Upon A Star


“Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, save it for a rainy day.”

I’m calling upon my rainy day. With all the troubles, the fights, and things not working…..lately things have been fantastic. I’m in love with a man and that man holds my heart. It may just be the good vibes, but I feel like things are really looking up and I feel true happiness in my life. My job is going well and I am happy to go home nowadays. Six years of dating, renting, and playing house, and I’m finally feeling ready. I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and not questioning what I want so much. I want the house, the family dog, the marriage, and maybe, just maybe, a baby. I would love to make something with this man who I love and for it to be apart of our world. I think lol.

I still know that I am on a different page then him with this. We communicate it and he isn’t ready. I respect him and am willing to give him time. I just know that I am ready. At the drop of a hat I will say yes. And I am writing today to wish upon that one really big star for my dreams to come true. It doesn’t have to be today or tomorrow, but I would love everything to fall into place by the time I am 30. Here’s to hopeful wishing. I am just at a point in my life to where I have sacrificed and I have waited and it’s almost time for things to start happening for me. This time, I get what I want. Hopefully. I think asking for this to happen in two years and 4 months (who is counting) is a reasonable request.

Wish me luck, but above all else, wish me love.

Signing off…..tootles.


Strip Clubs!


Hello and good day. I am going to jump right in.


How do you feel about strip clubs?

I ask, because at the age of 27, I still don’t know how I feel about them. Well I do, but I don’t know if I really should feel the way I do about them. I don’t know if my feelings about them are an overreaction. Someone tell me I am wrong or right. My own thoughts are bouncing in my head driving me crazy. I should just take a deep breath and know everything will be okay.

Is a one or two times a year visit really going to threaten me? No, probably not, but I still crawl into my hole of insecurities if there is a slight chance that my boyfriend of 6 years wants to go to one. It’s a rare occasion that he does want to go, but when he does I turn into a lost puppy who doesn’t know how to grow a pair. I have been to one with a bunch of girl friends and I guess my visit was a little over the top and kind of scared me for life that their really is not restrictions to what can happen at a strip club.

Guys always try to make you feel better by saying “well it’s not like you can touch the girls”. I call BS on that one. You can touch, grab, kiss, smack and if your dirty enough, take the woman home. Will my boyfriend do this? No. I do fear the overly touchy lap dance. Just because there is an establishment for all this to happen I don’t think its okay. I don’t think its fair. Would you do these things outside of a strip club? No, then why do it in one? I have always had the rule, you can look but not touch. It’s natural for a man to turn and look at a beautiful woman. Hell, I have caught myself looking at them and even will look at a few men here and there. A look is innocent. But at a strip club when there are limited restrictions its hard to say what is okay and what isn’t okay. It’s not that I don’t trust my boyfriend. I just don’t feel comfortable with the touching in general. It’s an insecurity of my own.

My boyfriend is actually one of the good ones when it comes to strip clubs. It’s a rare occasion that I have to worry about him going. He thinks they are slightly dirty and over priced. Whew. He still says they are “cool”, but he really has to be in the mood to go to one. He also tried to make me feel better about them by saying “when I go it only makes me want to come home and do stuff to you” or  “I picture you doing those moves”. So please rest assured that my problem isn’t with him. It’s just in the place in general. I personally wish they would all burn to the ground.

However! All of his friends are the every weekend strip club goers. Just this last weekend all his best friends went and were out til 4 in the morning doing who knows what. Can a strip club really entertain you for 7 hours straight? For his friends I guess so, because that is what their strip club visits are like. I am afraid of the night my boyfriend wants to leave home at 9 and not return til 4 in the morning. For his friends its single and ready to mingle right?! Well what can one relationship guy get into with about 5 or 6 single guys who are highly intoxicated. One of the guys is recently divorced and has asked my boyfriend three or four times to go. I want to smack him and say LAY OFF. Quit making him feel bad for saying no to you. What else will this sad divorced man try to talk my boyfriend into. I am lucky that my boyfriend has his own voice and says no, but they way this guy lays into him even with me standing there, I gotta think he might have a point to where he breaks just to get this highly annoying guy off his back. When my boyfriend turns him down, he tells him he is “whipped”. I hate this term, because I do not make the decisions of whether he should go or not. He can go. I have told him plenty of times. Go if you must, but respect me when you go. I will bite my lips and get through it. He knows they make me uncomfortable, but I will not hold him back if its something he wants to do.

I feel like I am over thinking this, but at the same time I just have a lump in my stomach that makes me feel uneasy. It just doesn’t feel right to me. I think if you’re in a serious relationship and you go, you should just look and not touch. Why do single guys encourage guys in a relationship to cheat (yes I said cheat, he wouldn’t want me touching another guy). Guys will insist on buying you lap dances and call you tons of names until you finally give in. You are not a man until you let this half-naked woman grind on your pants for money. They said last time the woman took her panties off. *Sigh* Why is being a good honest man just hanging with friends not good enough?

Go out with the guys, have a few or a lot of beers, throw some dollars on stage, but come home at a decent hour (before midnight hopefully) and not touch the strippers. That is all I want or ask of when it comes to these visits. But without me being there and the strict guy code, how will I really ever know what goes on?

…….sometimes I think too much.


Writing about family…..

is extremely difficult, because as I am typing this I have a point to make, but I already know as I am starting to write about them it will lead me into many subjects about them and I will lose focus and never get to my point. Especially with my boyfriend yelling in the background at his video games. Makes it hard to stay focus and remember any thoughts. I can barely read my own sentences back to myself as he yells at the television. This post will take me hours at this rate. He thinks me being on the laptop is some how effecting his chances of making head shots. Anyways, I will try to prevail.

Today was a new day. I’m 27, my sister 34. We have grown so far apart and today we connected. I haven’t been feeling my best and the person I can turn to about my sickness is my sister. Because above all the things I believe about her I can’t ignore that she is smart and can actually help me. I spoke with her about my symptoms and she helped me find a path on what I should do. She is in the nursing field. As to what degree she graduated with, I can’t tell you. That should further clarify to you readers, if any, that my sister and I are not close. Some where between me sleeping with her middle school crush while I was highly intoxicated (there is way more to that than one sentence, so no judging) and her having three kids (one of her kids also had a kid) we lost touch with being close sisters. Today was different. I came to her for advise. Little sister asking big sister for help and hearing her voice actually help me. I connected with my sister and it felt great.

Okay tonight I’m failing at posting….I wanted to write more…I can’t take the background noise….but also tonight I have won, a small connection with my sister.

I work out…..

Okay, no, not really. But so far my weight has maintained itself throughout the years. Slowly but surely the change of sizes in my jeans increases.  I was a size 3 and now I am creeping into a size 9. Keep in mind this is over the course of 8 years, so its gradual, but only slightly noticeable. I will never be at my highschool weight (2002-2005, 115 pounds). My goal weight will always be 125 pounds, because honestly for my height, I look great at that weight. I am now 135 pounds. It’s not ideal for my image. Or at least I am not as satisfied with it as I want to be. Others disagree, but it’s about what I want right? It’s about what makes me feel great. So my question is….how do you do it? All you exercising people. I LOVE food. And I keep making excuses about not having enough time. So my question really is, can you eat all the food you love and still look good? If yes, how?!?!?!

Friday Night

Excuse any slurs in my typing…..the blue moon could be talking…..

It was 7:00 p.m. on this very Friday night, the time was ticking and getting close to where we find out who was doing what and with who.

After work and now at home I ask…..”are you and Michael (not real name, but his closest friend) planning an evening out, because I can find something to do if need be?”.

Honestly, I rather hang out with him, but if he has plans, this is what we talked about. Space. Remember, he needs space.

He replies, “why don’t you just go do something instead of waiting for me to have plans first?”.

Surprised by this kind of reply from him (he is the one who wanted space) I wanted the upper hand. Luckily I had already talked to one of my girlfriends and the night was in the making.

I chirp back, “Actually, I do have plans.”

His look was very surprised. I think he wanted this “giving each other space” to be on his terms. He didn’t think I would actually be the one with the plans first. It becomes very clear to me that he wants to have plans and then for me to figure out something just because he has plans. Not the other way around. He doesn’t want to be the one who has to figure out what to do because I am not there.

Well tonight, this is how it has to be. He asked something from me and I am a giver. So he asks, he receives. If it’s not to his liking then maybe he should have been more specific.

I kiss him good-bye and tell him to have a good evening. Nine rolls around…..

First text: “Where are you?”….I reply….9:20 rolls around……next text: “Its time for you to come home.”

I tell my girlfriends it was a pleasure and take my happy butt home. When I get home he is waiting….his night didn’t go according to plan. Well too bad mister. You fought for space, now you get space. The tables have turned. I was the lonely one who needed you, and now you realize, the only reason I haven’t given you space is because I am trying to be here for you, so you are the one who is not alone. Well you are alone or you were until I came home. I can find space, any time, any where. But be careful boy, because with all that space…I might find out I don’t need you.