It begins…..

It started last night, but has been an ongoing problem for years. Our relationship that is. Received the phone call from my boyfriend yesterday that he would like to go to a work buddies birthday party at his house. At first I decided, no big deal.  Ended the call feeling a little bummed I wasn’t invited, but none the less, oh well. It’s just a stupid party, why would I even want to go? Then I sat in my work office over thinking about what this means. Who is all going to this party, what are they going to do, why doesn’t my boyfriend want me there, will there be single girls there? The thoughts were building and forcing their way out of my brain and I knew in order for me to be remotely happy I would have to ask these questions. Great, tonight we will fight. I am too stubborn not to ask the questions and he is too stubborn to just let me go to the party.

We are rarely apart from each other. The relationship has been going on for 5 years and 7 months and I can probably count on my two hands the times he has gone out and done something without me. He is 25 and I am 27 and the beginning of our relationship was less than perfect. I thought the relationship was something more than he did, so because he thought less of the relationship, he cheated. It was a very sad long battle of not treating each other right. In the 5 years we’ve had a total of a two-year good run of just seeming to be happy. I want more years out of this. He will have to change his narcissists ways and I will have to learn to live without him. It seems to be a cycle of abuse. I want to be with him, he wants space. He will do anything to get it and I will get overly emotional to want to feel love. Awhile back we took a big break and we couldn’t last very long without each other, so we started things up again. Healthy right?!? I’m emotionally and physically attached, again. I feel as if some of the past issues have never really been resolved and I dwell on these matters. The relationship now is very routine and very distant. There is the occasional hug and peck on the lips. We see each other constantly due to living with each other. Sometimes sex is a dream and I wonder if I will ever experience it again and if I do, will I know how to have it? It’s not like I am out of shape and don’t take care of myself. I am a professional, dress up for work, wear my makeup and don’t weigh an ounce over 140 pounds. We are what I would consider the better looking people. So why aren’t our hands all over each other?

Anways, it is a huge problem, but as I am sitting in my office I can’t think of any reason I shouldn’t be allowed to go to this party with him. It’s not an all guys party, the wife of the guy will be there, and its open invitation and I was invited. My boyfriend just wants space and I believe I should give it to him, just not at this party. Why doesn’t he ask for space on a lazy Sunday when there is nothing to do? Why does space have to come into play when its a fun night out partying or being invited over a friend’s house? These are the things I would like to do as a couple…..

Many things don’t make sense to me. I feel overwhelmed and left out. I feel as if I am not wanted and not loved. I must be right about him not loving me. My boyfriend and I got into a huge fight about this party. Past issues were brought up and the insecurities seeped in as if they never left. I wanted to go to this party with him and he was not having it. He said if I don’t let him go to this party we are officially over. My heart stops. Over? Done? We fight some more and things get really heated. My mind is focused on “this is really it”, we are over. He takes a shower to get ready and I sit on the bed crying thinking about what this means. I’m running tons of scenarios through my head and I’m scared. I love this man and I guess if going to this party alone is that big of a deal, then he should just go. I start texting a few friends to see what they are doing, so I can have a release and be out too and not stuck at home crying my eyes out thinking about what I lost. To me this means, no more eating every Saturday nights with our group of friends, no more pool league Thursday nights, and secret sweet talk and among all other things, no more him. We are over keeps repeating in my mind…..he gets out of the shower, we talk and we come to some resolution that if I just give him space then the spark and love will come back. It has to right?! I really hope it does, because it would suck to give him space and still not resolve what I want out of the relationship. Intimacy, love, affection. Give it to me.

Now back to it…….We enjoy our nights out with our friends and everything seems back to normal. He is slightly pissed which can be expected after a fight, but the “I love yous” are returned after being said to him. There was even a cat joke thrown in today (the day after)……I’m starting to feel better that we settled things for the night, but at the same time I have to learn how to disconnect from him. This is a new journey of self relection and learning to be independent. At the same time, I am a beautiful, loving, caring, loyal and passionate person…so when will I get a piece of the pie that I actually deserve. Will giving space work or will the wedge become bigger?!?! Only time will tell….I just want to feel his hands on me and to feel the love he supposedly once had for me and says he still does. He states its there….its just not surfaced because he doesn’t have time to miss me. I will give him time to miss me and I hope in turn, I will receive love.

To be continued…….