Wish Upon A Star


“Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, save it for a rainy day.”

I’m calling upon my rainy day. With all the troubles, the fights, and things not working…..lately things have been fantastic. I’m in love with a man and that man holds my heart. It may just be the good vibes, but I feel like things are really looking up and I feel true happiness in my life. My job is going well and I am happy to go home nowadays. Six years of dating, renting, and playing house, and I’m finally feeling ready. I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and not questioning what I want so much. I want the house, the family dog, the marriage, and maybe, just maybe, a baby. I would love to make something with this man who I love and for it to be apart of our world. I think lol.

I still know that I am on a different page then him with this. We communicate it and he isn’t ready. I respect him and am willing to give him time. I just know that I am ready. At the drop of a hat I will say yes. And I am writing today to wish upon that one really big star for my dreams to come true. It doesn’t have to be today or tomorrow, but I would love everything to fall into place by the time I am 30. Here’s to hopeful wishing. I am just at a point in my life to where I have sacrificed and I have waited and it’s almost time for things to start happening for me. This time, I get what I want. Hopefully. I think asking for this to happen in two years and 4 months (who is counting) is a reasonable request.

Wish me luck, but above all else, wish me love.

Signing off…..tootles.


Friday Night

Excuse any slurs in my typing…..the blue moon could be talking…..

It was 7:00 p.m. on this very Friday night, the time was ticking and getting close to where we find out who was doing what and with who.

After work and now at home I ask…..”are you and Michael (not real name, but his closest friend) planning an evening out, because I can find something to do if need be?”.

Honestly, I rather hang out with him, but if he has plans, this is what we talked about. Space. Remember, he needs space.

He replies, “why don’t you just go do something instead of waiting for me to have plans first?”.

Surprised by this kind of reply from him (he is the one who wanted space) I wanted the upper hand. Luckily I had already talked to one of my girlfriends and the night was in the making.

I chirp back, “Actually, I do have plans.”

His look was very surprised. I think he wanted this “giving each other space” to be on his terms. He didn’t think I would actually be the one with the plans first. It becomes very clear to me that he wants to have plans and then for me to figure out something just because he has plans. Not the other way around. He doesn’t want to be the one who has to figure out what to do because I am not there.

Well tonight, this is how it has to be. He asked something from me and I am a giver. So he asks, he receives. If it’s not to his liking then maybe he should have been more specific.

I kiss him good-bye and tell him to have a good evening. Nine rolls around…..

First text: “Where are you?”….I reply….9:20 rolls around……next text: “Its time for you to come home.”

I tell my girlfriends it was a pleasure and take my happy butt home. When I get home he is waiting….his night didn’t go according to plan. Well too bad mister. You fought for space, now you get space. The tables have turned. I was the lonely one who needed you, and now you realize, the only reason I haven’t given you space is because I am trying to be here for you, so you are the one who is not alone. Well you are alone or you were until I came home. I can find space, any time, any where. But be careful boy, because with all that space…I might find out I don’t need you.

It begins…..

It started last night, but has been an ongoing problem for years. Our relationship that is. Received the phone call from my boyfriend yesterday that he would like to go to a work buddies birthday party at his house. At first I decided, no big deal.  Ended the call feeling a little bummed I wasn’t invited, but none the less, oh well. It’s just a stupid party, why would I even want to go? Then I sat in my work office over thinking about what this means. Who is all going to this party, what are they going to do, why doesn’t my boyfriend want me there, will there be single girls there? The thoughts were building and forcing their way out of my brain and I knew in order for me to be remotely happy I would have to ask these questions. Great, tonight we will fight. I am too stubborn not to ask the questions and he is too stubborn to just let me go to the party.

We are rarely apart from each other. The relationship has been going on for 5 years and 7 months and I can probably count on my two hands the times he has gone out and done something without me. He is 25 and I am 27 and the beginning of our relationship was less than perfect. I thought the relationship was something more than he did, so because he thought less of the relationship, he cheated. It was a very sad long battle of not treating each other right. In the 5 years we’ve had a total of a two-year good run of just seeming to be happy. I want more years out of this. He will have to change his narcissists ways and I will have to learn to live without him. It seems to be a cycle of abuse. I want to be with him, he wants space. He will do anything to get it and I will get overly emotional to want to feel love. Awhile back we took a big break and we couldn’t last very long without each other, so we started things up again. Healthy right?!? I’m emotionally and physically attached, again. I feel as if some of the past issues have never really been resolved and I dwell on these matters. The relationship now is very routine and very distant. There is the occasional hug and peck on the lips. We see each other constantly due to living with each other. Sometimes sex is a dream and I wonder if I will ever experience it again and if I do, will I know how to have it? It’s not like I am out of shape and don’t take care of myself. I am a professional, dress up for work, wear my makeup and don’t weigh an ounce over 140 pounds. We are what I would consider the better looking people. So why aren’t our hands all over each other?

Anways, it is a huge problem, but as I am sitting in my office I can’t think of any reason I shouldn’t be allowed to go to this party with him. It’s not an all guys party, the wife of the guy will be there, and its open invitation and I was invited. My boyfriend just wants space and I believe I should give it to him, just not at this party. Why doesn’t he ask for space on a lazy Sunday when there is nothing to do? Why does space have to come into play when its a fun night out partying or being invited over a friend’s house? These are the things I would like to do as a couple…..

Many things don’t make sense to me. I feel overwhelmed and left out. I feel as if I am not wanted and not loved. I must be right about him not loving me. My boyfriend and I got into a huge fight about this party. Past issues were brought up and the insecurities seeped in as if they never left. I wanted to go to this party with him and he was not having it. He said if I don’t let him go to this party we are officially over. My heart stops. Over? Done? We fight some more and things get really heated. My mind is focused on “this is really it”, we are over. He takes a shower to get ready and I sit on the bed crying thinking about what this means. I’m running tons of scenarios through my head and I’m scared. I love this man and I guess if going to this party alone is that big of a deal, then he should just go. I start texting a few friends to see what they are doing, so I can have a release and be out too and not stuck at home crying my eyes out thinking about what I lost. To me this means, no more eating every Saturday nights with our group of friends, no more pool league Thursday nights, and secret sweet talk and among all other things, no more him. We are over keeps repeating in my mind…..he gets out of the shower, we talk and we come to some resolution that if I just give him space then the spark and love will come back. It has to right?! I really hope it does, because it would suck to give him space and still not resolve what I want out of the relationship. Intimacy, love, affection. Give it to me.

Now back to it…….We enjoy our nights out with our friends and everything seems back to normal. He is slightly pissed which can be expected after a fight, but the “I love yous” are returned after being said to him. There was even a cat joke thrown in today (the day after)……I’m starting to feel better that we settled things for the night, but at the same time I have to learn how to disconnect from him. This is a new journey of self relection and learning to be independent. At the same time, I am a beautiful, loving, caring, loyal and passionate person…so when will I get a piece of the pie that I actually deserve. Will giving space work or will the wedge become bigger?!?! Only time will tell….I just want to feel his hands on me and to feel the love he supposedly once had for me and says he still does. He states its there….its just not surfaced because he doesn’t have time to miss me. I will give him time to miss me and I hope in turn, I will receive love.

To be continued…….